cmfeat-290x290 Plughead (Vernon ‘Hint of the Predatory-Homosexual’ Wells) is a human hard drive or some such ripped-off shit from ‘Johnny Mnemonic’, who…I don’t know what his back story is, to be fair, I haven’t seen the original ‘Circuitry Man’, but as far as I can tell, he is a badass cyber crook, and this time round he’s selling ten year, life-expansion pack chips to Senators. Meanwhile three sets of couples are setting off from their respective points of origin to seek-him out…for various reasons.

Circuitry Man, a fey Gigolo-bot has been commandeered from his padded cell by a power-suited FBI lady – Agent Kyle, who needs his knowledge. Also on their way are two bumbling cops, bent on apprehending Plughead because…well, because he’s a bad man. They spend the entire duration at the shoddy controls of an inconceivably speedy futuremobile, basically acting the twat. Their presence seems to serve only as comic relief for a film that already has enough it intends for you to laugh about, considering yet another comedy pairing are already bumbling across the desert plains of ‘BrazilAmerica’ in search of Plughead, following their jailbreak from a chain-gang planting trees in the arrid wastes.

Plughead is holding former child cum-bucket Traci Lords to emotional ransom, claiming to know the whereabouts of her daughter, while tormenting her by making light of her “sandy loins”, or infertility…


That’s right: “Ha! You’re Infertile!…I know where your daughter is!”


He amplifies his menace, and alleviates the tedium of his childish teasing by coming out with lame ‘jack-in/jack off’ euphemisms, and/or pulling sex faces behind her back.

(The trailer can be seen only here, and is worth waiting the 30 seconds for the advertisement to pass, to see)

Circuitry Man and FBI Lady trek across the desert, eating yams that purportedly enable their bodies to process the harmful toxins in the desert air, but are basically part of a lame narrative device to save the makers money on actually making what looks like the Mexican desert appear futuristically hostile…much like when our heroes encounter a desert storm which involves a wind machine and flashing the film in and out of colour-negative.

Cop partners in their future-car keep acting like drunken uncles, while the bumbling criminal duo, and most endearing characters in the film, do…something…forgettable, seeing as I can’t really remember how they spent their screen time.

This basically attests to the fact that everything that takes place after the characters’ introductory scenes, are just a means of conveying the viewer to the denouement. Practically nothing happens. Save for the midway instance of tits when Circuitry Man finally wears down FBI Agent Kyle, in a scene that couldn’t have been more lacking in chemistry if it were actual CCTV footage of an alleyway rape.

Which pretty much brings us to the end, where we learn that Plughead has manipulated the life expansion chips, that have been sold to all the world’s most powerful senior citizens, and now has the option of mind control over them all, should the mood take him to bring about the apocalypse, AND it turns out that FBI Lady, Agent Kyle, is not only a vessel for tits, but also for the mind of Tracy Lords’ daughter in what is actually a synthetic body.

Upon finding this out, Agent Kyle is understandably existentially shaken, and rooting around for self-worth , while she and Circuitry Man are forcibly ‘jacked-in’ to play out the final battle on the hypothetical battleground of Plughead’s cheap looking mindscape. Once Circuitry Man convinces Kyle that she was made in the image of, and therefore IS, the love of his life, her child’s mind is suitably convinced that simply looking like her robot-boyfriend’s ex is reason enough to serve out her days as a “you’ll do” screw…which touching display obviously causes Plughead’s brain to explode.


The End.


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